If the other man wanted to use them, that was fine with him. Again, his attitude toward condom use was passive. On the weekends when Toby stayed home, he either met men in online chat rooms for sexual hookups or went to sex parties. Toby was sexually versatile but preferred to be the top. Toby almost never made a date to see any of these men a second time. But if the other man did not bring up the topic, Toby wound up going along with whatever the other man wanted to do sexually, even if it meant having UAI.
If a sexual partner initiated the use of condoms for anal sex, Toby said he felt relieved and gladly used them. He said he never discussed HIV status with the men he went home with unless the other man initiated the discussion. Toby did not seek out barebacking, but he allowed it to happen if the other man wanted to do it. At the end of the night he would usually end up going home with someone he had just met. He said it helped him lose his inhibitions and cut loose on the dance floor. Typically, during those outings, he would take MDMA (Ecstasy) and smoke marijuana. He did have a group of people with whom he would go to clubs to dance a few times a month. Because of his intense focus on work, Toby had not taken the time to cultivate deep friendships. His last relationship ended during his final year of graduate school, after 2 years, and he had not had another partner in almost 10 years. A successful and ambitious architect, he worked exceptionally long hours to make partner in his firm. Toby is a white, 35-year-old, HIV-negative gay man who came to see me because of depression and loneliness. Octave, The Rules of the Game, Jean Renoir, 1939 Toby, a Passive Barebacker "The terrible thing in this world is that everyone has his reasons."
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